From Six Till Seven

From Six Till Seven:  Part One
I've woken up twice to my alarm clock in the past almost-a-year....two times when my sleep was pierced by an abstract beeping sound that made me flashback to another time in my life.  Other than that, the other 350 or so mornings, I've woken up to the squeaks and cries of Zoe's internal alarm clock, calling out for food at the earliest early hour, the latest late hour, the time when most people are in the midst of sleeping.

This time period is a little bit of a blur most mornings, half awake feedings and seeing if Z will let me fall back asleep before the beeping that tells me it is time to get out of bed rather than time to wake up.  And from a little before six until close to seven, I have my first daily hour of parenting.  In between pumping and eating the breakfast that Aaron amazingly makes each morning and packing up my laptop and making sure I have the bottles and pump pieces I need for the day (I've messed this up 3 times in the 9 months I've been doing it, which I think is pretty ok) and getting dressed, I play with my child.  I bring her into the bathroom while I'm doing my hair or washing my face and tell her what I'm doing...."I'm putting some concealer under my eyes, that makes me look less tired.  Now I'm putting on deodorant, you probably won't need this till you're 12, but I'll be on the lookout to let you know if it is earlier than that because I don't want them to have to tell you at school, that is totally embarrassing even though I pretend real hard that it isn't."

Z is all laughs and smiles in the morning, she sits in her little chair at the table while I eat and pump and offers us toys.  She wanders around the living room while I check the weather and check my work phone and call for substitutes if needed.  And when it comes time for me to put on my jacket, she suddenly clings to me.  And when I place her in her dad's arms and grab my bags to go...she cries.  Sometimes she just sniffles, sometimes she wails.  I can't bring myself to sneak out while she's distracted, so usually I make it worse, going back for kisses, finally making it out the door and realizing I've forgotten my phone and disrupting her all over again.

From Six Till Seven: Part Two

Barring any parent events or late night meetings, I am almost always home from work on the dot of six o'clock.  Whether I'm rushing out to the train at 5:30 or hanging on for a ride, six o'clock is pretty much guaranteed to be the switch from being responsible for the needs of 20 teachers and 300 children to being responsible for the needs of one lovely little baby.

I love making the switch.  I walk in the door to the best greeting in the world-- Aaron usually yelling, "Mommy's home" while Zoe freezes from wherever she is and laughs, and these days, waves.  (She's grown into this- it used to be immediate tears and demands for nursing, this is much improved.)  And then, for the next hour, I'm a parent again.  I put away the days bottles and my things, hug Zoe for as long as she'll let me (usually just one hug), and feed her dinner while Aaron makes ours, or play with her in the living room, and hear about the boring stuff that only I want to know-- what time were her naps today, how much did she eat and when, where did you guys go today.  Sometime close to 7 she gets sleepy, even though she has started to fight it and try to hide it from us, and so sometimes earlier or sometimes later but right around seven we start getting ready for bedtime.  We change into pajamas and read a story and cuddle if she'll let me.  By between 7:30 and 8 she is asleep and I'm on the couch, leaning over my laptop, or on a good day, watching bad tv.

I don't mean to imply that I'm not a parent in those 22 hours that are not between six and seven (and on the whole weekend and every vacation!!)  And I know that the mommy guilt I feel about squeezing a day into such short blocks of time is just for me-- kids are in day care and with nannies and with stay at home parents and all of these are completely valid options.  Zoe is with Aaron all day and incredibly well cared for and I have no reservations about how she spends her time.  In a world full of gender norms and high expectations for what it means to be a mother, however, what I can't seem to escape is my reservations about how I spend mine.

But, for now at least, from six till seven, is Zoe's time.